Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of "BtVS" and "Angel", nor do I own any rights to the television shows "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and "Angel". They were created by Joss Whedon and belong to him, Mutant Enemy, Sandollar Television, Kuzui Enterprises, 20th Century Fox Television and the WB Television Network,... I own nothing! (Hey, do you think I could be so mean to them?!) So nobody sue!
Couple: "Angel" / "Buffy" -- of course!!!
Spoilers: Everything and nothing - makes sense? - and "IWRY"
Rating: You can watch the show, you can read this fic. -- Angst
Thanks to: Michelle Lee Spaven - You know who I am.
Feedback: Yes please, but be nice!
Author's Note: First POV, Angel. This fic is for my Vamp Blooded Freaks out there, drifting somewhere in the vast, somewhere in eternity. Anat, I'll miss you incredibly. I'll never forget.
Oh my God, please!
Please! I want to kiss her so badly!I need to kiss her so badly!
I need her so much, itīs aching inside of me like a starving flame not only burns inside me for her love, but itīs also devouring me like starving desire. Iīm gasping for air, because this flame is consuming me.
Not like Iīm possessed, but - Iīm obsessed.
Obsessed by her.
Her smell is saved in my memories forever, like every single minute and even every second with her is, too.She reminds me of everything that it is worth living for, because she is my everything!My non beating heart pounds in my ears like the second hand of my clock is mercilessly counting down the seconds of her life, the seconds that I canīt be with her.
But I want it! I need it, like I need blood. But not only to survive, but to live at all, because life without her is nothing.
It means nothing for me.
With leaving her, I ended the sense in my life and with this my will to survive.
Memories are everything that is left.
I keep them in my heart, deep down, not to share them with anybody. They belong only to me, like she does and forever will.
How much do I love her?
I canīt describe it, I canīt express it, nor could I ever express it again.
Itīs far more than anybody could ever imagine. Itīs even more than I could ever fathom, because itīs my love for her and this love, my love is so intense, so far beyond description, so much more than I could have ever imagined.
I wish that she shared this love with me, that she felt it as well, when we were together - at least that time, before I became the demon that possesses my body and lurks in behind.
My love never possessed me like this.
It never ruled me. No, it could never make me fear it, because itīs far beyond wonderful and I love my love for her that much, that I could drown in it and lose myself.
If thereīs one thing that Iīve never regretted in my life, then it is falling in love with her, and over and over again. But what Iīve regretted and still do, is that my love for her and the decisions I made, hurt her so much and maybe still do.Maybe it would have been better to let my love for her take over my life and let it rule my thoughts and my acting.
I tried to decide, to make the decisions with my mind and not with my heart, but I was wrong. Maybe my love should have been my possession, but then, my demons would have killed me, for the posession to love and the posession to kill would have lead me directly into the sunrise of never coming back.
Love is no demon. Itīs so beautiful and strong, but my demon is ugly and cruel.It weakens me to know him inside of me, the same way that it gives me his strength.
I do need this strength to fight, to fight for her life and for mine. To fight for her survival, for her future and to fight for my passion to be able to keep on longing for her and to keep on begging heaven to give me the peace in her arms that her love stands for.
No, I donīt want to die in her arms. I want to live forever in her embrace, I want her to hold me close, as close as she can. I want her to absorb me and make me hers, like I made her mine those nights.Those nights of love and fear and neverending love.
The night of her birthday, when we made love and I felt so much love that my soul got ripped from my body, then that night when she forced me to drink her blood to save me and we were melted together and shared again, or the night that sheīll never remember.
Remember.
Memories. That is all that is left, that is left for me.
She might make new memories. Sure, she will.
Memories of her children and grandchildren, memories of her normal life, that she could never have with me.
Memories.
Maybe she has memories of me, too. Maybe.
I still brood. I love her more than ever, because I love her. Simply.
Thatīs the whole point and that is never going to change. Never.
Sheīll be moving on, maybe she even did.
I wonīt change it. I will never again be part of her life - because I love her.
But then again, I feel the ache for her even more than I could ever expect, that Iīve could have imagined and it draws me to her, like her urge to take the next breath, to survive. But since I donīt need to breathe, I wonīt give in the urge.
Then I fight against my love, but love is such a wonderful thing, so why do I fight it? I canīt remember my reasons, because my love for her is overwhelming me.
How strong could these reasons be, if I forget about them in that instant that I see her, when it throws me to feel her overwhelming prescence? They are strong, but love is stronger, but still my love for her made me make these decisions for her own good - and my suffering ... and hers.But one day, she will be glad that I made them and I will suffer forever, because I am immortal - immortal like my love for her is and she will be gone - and my soul with her.
Send feedback to Sired Passion
Back to the Fanfiction Archive